Carnivore’s Nightmare

Here’s another creative nonfiction piece imitating David and Amy Sedaris’s “Relationship Quiz” published in The New Yorker in 1997.

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Carnivore’s Dilemma

  1. You have made the decision to no longer eat meat. You have eaten meat for 15 years, but now you must consider the animals. Your best friend invites you to her birthday party: a BBQ. You…

a) You decide to go; you have self-control
b) Tell your friend they are killing animals
c) Go, but bring your own food
d) Arrange a group of animal rights protesters to show up at their birthday party

2. The party is done but you forgot to bring a gift. Thinking long and hard about what to get your friend, you…

a) Give her a brochure on how to go vegetarian
b) Write her an e-mail explaining how much she means to you, but you accidentally rant about how inconsiderate she is
c) Send her a veggie burger to make her understand
d) Ignore it; a carnivore has no business being your friend

3. Uh oh… Your friend didn’t respond well to your gift. She asks to meet you for lunch at a nearby restaurant. When you arrive, your friend has already ordered for you. A steak is sitting in front of you. You…

a) Dive in; the meat looks delicious
b) Put the steak in a doggy bag; you’ll give it to a homeless shelter
c) Throw the steak like a frisbee across the table at your friend
d) Light it on fire.

4. Things are heating up. You and your friend are in an argument. Everyone in the restaurant is looking at you. You take this time to…

a) Say sorry
b) Dramatically walk out
c) Force your waiter to be the moderator of the argument
d) Make a speech about animal rights for everyone in the restaurant

5. The restaurant staff are getting angry with how you handled the situation. They ask you to leave. You decide to…

a) Walk out; it’s not worth it
b) Try to reason with the staff
c) Get up on a table and sing “I’m Not Going” from Dreamgirls

6. The staff escorts you out the door. You aren’t happy with them man-handling you. You plot your revenge by…

a) Writing bad reviews of the restaurant on Yelp
b) Arrange an animal rights protest outside the restaurant
c) Poison the meat that comes into the restaurant
d) Sabotage the cooking equipment in the restaurant

7. You’ve been arrested for your revenge. You believe you are innocent. You plan to get out of police custody by…

a) Pleading innocent at your trial
b) Flirting with the guard they’ve given you
c) Picking the lock
d) Faking a stroke

You end up in the hospital. Being a vegetarian was supposed to be healthier. 

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