Revised Poems

“How i did was okay. I was kind of hard, though, to try and make a new poem out of  the blue. I had to make a lot of corrections and make sure my lines were okay.”

Shattered

I used to think about you all the time.

My stomach would fill with butterflies

every time i seen your face.

But now, the butterflies as died and it burns instead.

I am so sorry, I didn’t fulfill your

needs as a girlfriend.

And cheating on me was the only

thing you could do that could make

you happy.

Im so sorry that I was so blind

to the side of you that was full of

lust and greed.

I am so not sorry for punching

you in the face

because to be honest, you deserved  it and even

more.

I am so not sorry for writing this

poem about you and the heartache

you put me through.

That not only scarred my mind

but shattered my soul, because

what you did to me surely

come back to you and

I hope it hurts you so bad, that it

makes you want to kill yourself.

But don’t flatter yourself because

trust me, losing you was the best

thing that has ever happened to

me.

I wish I would’ve never met you.

I’m so not sorry.

J.B.


“I revised my poem from taking what peer editing has given me to help improve on my poem. I also turned my poem into a sonnet. I kept most of my word chorus the same, but took out a few things and went into more depth about I certain point in my original poem.”

Thirteen Ways of Looking At A Cat

Tail slowly sways

Swaggering in the dead of night

sleeping when the sun is bright

she rolls around to play

looking for some birds to slay

she chases them with all her might

and catches them in mid-flight

then enjoys her bird buffet

She puts and ask for something

else to eat

maybe a tuna treat?

The cat sharpens her claws

on the nice leather seat

her human loves her even

with all of her flaws.

A.P.


“I used the same lines from another poem I did  and mixed poem. I still don’t know if I like the revision or original better….. It is jut different. I look forward to seeing how you and the rest of the class respond.”

Goodbye

I wake up everyday still expecting you.

Expecting to see your face.

Expecting to smell your smell.

Expecting to taste your taste.

I go to sleep enacting to forget you.

Forget to feel your hurt.

Forget to feel your pain.

Forget to feel your loss.

You say that you feel bad. Feel sorry.

Sorry for “leading me on.”

Sorry for hurting me.

Sorry that you are not truly sorry

But its now time for me to say goodbye.

Goodbye to those fake blue eyes.

Goodbye to you infectious smile.

Goodbye to the sorry’s that are not sorry.

Goodbye

J.B.


“I took an old poem and turned it to a villanelle. I deleted my parts and added. It has rhyming to it. I believe my audience will be able to relate.”

I Thought…

I thought he was my soulmate

our love was like a lit fire

I thought it was destiny but really it wasn’t fate.

It breaks my heart to know he and I  will never

elevate to cohabitate.

His love once made me wanna reach higher

I thought he was my soulmate.

You see this love thing, I just can’t tolerate

His love still send trembles up my makes spine

with desire.

I thought it was destiny, but it really wasn’t fate.

All he knew how to do was regulate.

My mind, see how he did that! With

the money, the cars, and keys to the house of my

dreams. They sparked the fire.

I thought he was my soulmate.

What really was a trip, when he decided to seperate

her legs in my bed. I knew then his love was longer required.

I thought he was destiny, but it really wasn’t fate.

All this heart break, I pray to god help

me rejuvenate.

I need a new love would anyone like to be hired.

I thought he was my soulmate.

I thought it was destiny, but it really wasn’t fate.

“I Saw Her”

Monday, full hips, sparkling eyes, I start to lust.

This women.

This unknown feeling. Aroused

she was facing

me and began to give me a hug. I knew then I wanted her to be

mine.

I knew she was mine, in my mind.

Her

sweet smelling  pumpkin skin, facing

my heart, yet again I start to lust.

By my trembling voice you can tell I’m aroused

this women.

Do I feel this attraction for all women or just for this 1 women.

More and more I see this vision of me and her in my mind

Clear as day it starts to arise.

Her.

Sculpted eyebrows, full painted ruby red lips, long lush lashes, not blemish that anyone can discuss. All I do is lust.

Is she worth me facing

my true identity. I just don’t wanna face

this is not the women.

I thought I would b, lust.

Is just an endless fantasy in my mind.

Her.

New top she bought I noticed made a change in her appearance and a boost her confidence. Her breast stood out more than usually, they were high up as her confidence, well rounded as her ass cheeks, don’t you know I’m aroused?

I’m tired of feeling this aroused

facing

who I am is not the time or the place. Her

mix signals make me wanna forget this obsession for women.

My mind.

My body this of lust

continue to spread all over me. Is this just a gust of lust?

Or just the heat of the moment? I wasn’t just aroused.

By her physical appearance. She was more than that. She’s intelligent, down to earth and knew her worth, thats how I knew she is meant to be mine.

Facing

A women

like her.

I can only imagine her saying I have feelings for you too, only in my mind.

I can’t stop lusting after her.

Is it just this women that arouse

me? Facing reality isn’t equal to the image I have in my mind.

K.B.


“I took a lot of time thinking of how to revise my poem. I ended up turning my narrative poem into an anaphora poem. I took a quote from my narrative and made it the repeating line in the anaphora poem. I’m pretty confident about my final piece.”

“I’m Not Leaving”

“I’m not leaving”

Hope swims in your blue eyes

“Im not leaving”

Where there’s a will there’s a way. We’ll find a way.

“I’m not leaving”

You’re very convincing. My fears dissolve.

“I’m not leaving”

You’ll make a life there. And in the meantime I’ll be here.

“I’m not leaving”

You’re just going away

“I’m not leaving”

Yet you can’t stay

“I’m not leaving”

You’re not convincing enough. My fears begin to wander.

“I’m not leaving”

While the tears roll down our faces as we say goodbye.

“I’m not leaving”

But you are, my dear. The time has come

“I’m not leaving”

You say as you leave.

“I wish you didn’t have to go.” I stand there at the top of my front porch in the thickness of the summer night. Emotions surround me as I realize that change is upon us. His strong arms wrap around me as I embrace, while I let pain filled tears slide down my cheeks. “I’m not leaving,” he says, ” I’ just….. going to away to school for awhile.” That was one way to look at it. But of course, my high anxiety disagreed. The time began to creep up on us. As we held each other under the moonlight, all of the memories made that summer began to crawl back into my mind.

The time had come. I watched as he descended down the port stairs toward his red pickup truck. He waved goodbye about a thousand times before he actually reached it. As I watched him disappear into the vehicle, I felt a smoke form on my lips. A smile only for show. A smile joined by warm, sorrowful tears. I knew I’d see my love again soon. But “soon” wasn’t soon enough.

A.P.

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